


Letters to Phil (Phan)

by punkprostitute



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Phanfiction, Sad, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 13:33:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 9,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4707779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkprostitute/pseuds/punkprostitute
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan writes letters to his best friend after something went wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is originally coming from my Wattpad Account: GoingThroughLife

January 30, 2013

Dear Phil,

Hi, Phil. I really just wanted to tell you that you're my absolute best friend. Pj told me I should be cheesy and write you a letter for your birthday, so here.

You're turning 26 this year! Wow, its funny how its already been four years since we've known each other and now we're moving in together! I can't wait, honestly. I've been so excited to finally move in with you. You probably already know this, though.

I don't really know what to write in this letter, though. Pj says I should write you letters more often because you love getting letters. That was something I didn't know about you, but I keep learning, eh?

Thank you, Phil. For everything you've done for me. For noticing me on that day and actually starting a conversation. I honestly don't think I would be successful in any way and I have you to thank. Phil, you're the first ever best friend I've had in my life and I'm glad it was you.

Happy birthday, you dork. Enjoy your cheesy ass letter, but don't be counting on more. You know how bad I am at keeping up with things. :)

Love,

Dan.


	2. Letter Two.

June 11, 2014

Dear Phil,

Hey, Philly. So, its my birthday today and you've made it possibly the best birthday I've ever had and its only 3 in the afternoon.

I wasn't expecting anything from you, or anyone, actually, but I am thankful that you have done all these things.

Right now, I'm actually sitting across from you. You don't know what I'm writing, but you will soon. Really, I was just writing this to tell you thank you so much.

Thank you for an awesome 23 birthday, Phil. :D

Love,  
Dan.


	3. Letter Three.

October 19, 2014

Dear Phil,

So, today marks the fifth year that we actually met in person. Wow, five years already. I didn't think we would even stay friends this long in all honesty.

That day, back in 2009, was the best day of my entire life. You made my life so much better when we first started talking, and when we actually met, oh my god. Phil, I don't think you realize that you actually pretty much saved me from myself.

I was so certain you wouldn't like me in real life. I was so certain you would see me, notice me standing there without me realizing, and you would just leave. But no, you saw me and you practically attacked me. That hug will stay with me forever.

The very first time we ever kissed. It was that day, and probably the most exhilarating thing. We had went to the Manchester Eye because you said "You have to! It's a perfect way to see Manchester!" And so I trusted you.

We sat in our seats and were quiet as we went up, stopping every few seconds as they loaded and unloaded. You had your hand on the bar in front of us and when you put it down, it landed on top of mine. You didn't move it, though. I remember feeling nervous because you smiled at me and left it there. The sun was just setting, making the Sky a pinkish purple blue color. It was a beautiful sight, honestly.

As we got to the top, your smile got bigger and the world lit up so much because of it. I could tell you were really happy. And when we got to the top, you looked at me. The smile had fallen off your lips and I thought I did something wrong. You had moved your hand off of mine and scooted closer to me slowly so the cart wouldn't rock so much.

"What are you doing?" I had asked. That's when that smile grew again. This time it was even bigger than the last and you grabbed my hand in yours. Then you kissed me. That kiss made everything in me errupt and I didn't know what to do. It shocked me so much, but I kissed you back. I barely caught what you said after due to the feelings rushing through my whole body.

"Kissing my best friend."

When we made that video together on your channel, it was so much fun. I wasn't lying when I said it was the most fun I had ever had. I won't forget what you had to edit out, though.

The little kisses that we shared while the camera was rolling because we couldn't help it. It was truly amazing.

Sometimes, I get upset that we aren't like that anymore. So open to kissing each other like that, but I did get big and you got even bigger. We have to keep it down, eh?

I will never forget that day and I really hope that we never ever split. I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost my best friend, Phil. You're practically my world. Thank you.

Love,  
Dan.


	4. Letter Four.

January 10, 2015

Dear Phil,

It's been a few days since you moved out. You haven't replied to me today. Then again, my messages are just begging you to come home.

And that's basically what this letter is too. You said yesterday that you still had to get another box from your room today and that we would talk then. I don't want to wait until then, though.

Phil, I'm so sorry. I regret everything I said to you. That fight was stupid and I was being selfish about it. I shouldn't have blamed you for that. It's not your fault the fans think we're together. I should've contained myself better.

I want you to come home, please. I was so stupid. I don't think you'll come home, though. I honestly don't think you'll want to talk for long either. I'm a mess, Phil.

I am so, so sorry. I can't handle when people call me things like, you know that. I can't stand it. Not after what happened in 2012. I'm sorry. I thought I would be okay, but I wasn't. It's not your fault. It's mine.

Please, Phil. Please come back home. Don't take that box. Leave it here and bring the others back.

I don't know how I'm going to make it if you're not here. It's so lonely without you already. I'm sorry.

Love,  
Dan.


	5. Letter Five.

January 30, 2015

Dear Phil,

It's your birthday. You told me I could come over and help with the small get together you are having for it, so I did. I think that was my mistake.

When you opened the door and smiled, I almost started crying. I almost left. I almost turned around and walked right out of your house and went back to my apartment, but I didn't. Not when you lit up at the sight of me.

There weren't many people, only me, you, Pj, Chris, Louise, and your girlfriend, Lexi. I tried to be happy, I really did, but I couldn't keep it up and that's why I left so early. I'm sorry.

I had asked you where the bathroom was because I could feel the tears coming and you had led me to it. You kept asking me if I was okay. You know me way too well. And that's when I started crying. I cried into your shoulder, Phil. How pathetic is that?

You stood there, arms wrapped around me, and you let me cry. I was begging you to come home, but you didn't respond to the begging. You just tried to calm me down. I kept asking you why you left and eventually, you just looked at me. You had this look of sadness and guilt in your eyes and I honestly think that's what made me leave.

I didn't want to, I really didn't, but I couldn't take being around you, knowing I wouldn't see you later that night. Knowing that you wouldn't walk into my room and crawl into my bed behind me just because you felt alone and wanted someone to cuddle.

I'm really sorry, Phil. Louise had to take me home and by then, I was a mess. I know I was. I still am, but I ruined your birthday. Louise said you cried. She said you left to go into your bedroom for a minute and you cried. That it was evident on your face when you walked back out. She also said that after I left was when you started drinking a lot all of a sudden. Lexi made you stop, I guess, and that's when you kicked everyone out.

Phil, I'm so sorry for ruining your birthday. I wanted to be happy. I really did, but I was being selfish and I couldn't handle it.

Happy Birthday, Philly. I'm sorry.

Love,  
Dan.


	6. Letter Six.

February 4, 2015

Dear Phil,

You just called me. You told me that we needed to talk in person because it wasn't something that we could do on the phone. I'm scared.

Are you going to tell me to stop calling? To stop sending you letters? To stop mentioning you in videos? To delete all of ours together? What?

Phil, I'm scared. I've already lost you, but I don't want to lose you for good. I don't want to lose the last strand of hope I have that you'll come back. That one day, I'll walk in from going to Tesco and you'll be sat on our couch on your laptop, laughing at some stupidly funny video of a cat running into the wall.

Pj and Louise check in on me daily. They still sound sympathetic and I'm afraid if they don't stop, that I'll snap at them too. I don't want to lose them too.

I did film a video today, though. I have to edit it and it should be up in a day or two. I managed to not cry that much! I'm proud of myself!

What are we going to do about the Gaming Channel, though? Now that we aren't living together. What about Dil?

Maybe that's what you want to talk about.

I don't know, but I do know that deep down, I am hoping you're going to tell me that you want to move back in.

But I also know that even deeper down, that's not going to happen.

I'm sorry, Phil.

Love,  
Dan.


	7. Letter Seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> There's mention of alcohol and mention of suicide.

February 14, 2015

Dear Phil,

Philly! Hiya, buddy! I'm really wasted right now.

Peej is here with me, but he won't look at me. He keeps trying to avoid me. What did I do? Phil, do you know what I did?

I called you, but you never answered me. Lexi answered and said you weren't home. She didn't tell me she would have you call me back, though. I told her to have a good night, and that I would be passed out on your bedroom floor probably.

I haven't passed out yet, but I know I'll get there. Peej is trying to keep the drinks away from me. Actually, I think he left. I might be home alone now.

I just yelled for him. He's here. Just really quiet. He seems sad. Chris was supposed to come here too, but he didn't want to be around me. What did I do? I didn't do anything to him, did I?

I told Peej he can go and leave me, but he won't. He refuses because I think he thinks I'll get too drunk. Maybe. That is what I'm planning on doing. Especially when the only thing I can think of is when you and I first had sex. That was a magical time.

And it was cheesy because it was on Valentine's Day, like today! I want Valentine's Day sex again. I want a Valentine. But not any Valentine. I want you.

I think I'm going to down another vodka. I love you, Phil! Maybe, if I get lucky this will be goodbye.

Goodbye, Philly.

Love,  
Dan.


	8. Letter Eight.

February 17, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hi. As you can see, I didn't end up dying. Pj had taken me to the hospital. Apparently, I didn't just try to drink myself to death, I had taken a lot of pills too. They pumped my stomach.

Pj has been watching me constantly, keeping me under suicide watch, I guess. He called you apparently. Or at least that's what you told me when you called me today.

I ended up crying. You were trying to get me to tell you why I did it, but honestly, I don't know an exact reason. Sure, a lot of it has to do with losing you, but you know me. I've always had some sort of problem.

When you called me, Pj left the room right as my phone started ringing. He told me he was sorry, and then left the room. And that was when I saw your contact name. I almost didn't answer, but I did. Because that slight hope in me sparked that it would be you asking when you could move back in.

But you immediately started with asking me what the hell was wrong with me. I knew you were mad. I knew you were upset. But I didn't know why. I didn't know what I did and that was when you told me Pj called you and told you about how I almost died because of my own stupidity.

That's when I knew that I had fucked up.

I had told you I was sorry, but you just kept asking why and I started crying. I tried to tell you I didn't know, that I was drunk and it was spur of the moment, but you just kept asking and that was when I practically screamed at you to stop. You did. And I think that's when you actually realized I was crying because you went quiet and said you were sorry.

You said you were sorry so many times, I had lost count. I kept crying. Pj had walked back into the room when I yelled at you. I was collapsed on the floor, crying, and he was trying to calm me down, but it wasn't helping. You had told me that you were worried about me. That you didn't want to lose me.

I informed you that you kind of already have. That's when you went quiet.

And that's when I heard you cry through the phone. The broken sob that reached my ears and shattered my entire being. You hung up. I haven't heard from you since.

I'm in my bed right now. Pj is more than likely over at your house, asking if you'll call me back, probably. I've been a wreck since you hung up. Knowing that I made you cry shatters me, but I'm too tired to do anything.

I'm tired, Phil. You know? Physically and mentally. I don't want to do whatever it is that we're doing anymore. I want it to stop, but I know that there are two options to stop it, one of them I'm dreading.

The one where you come home is the only one I want. The other one, where we stop talking all together, I don't think I can handle that. I struggle not talking to you on the daily, just think what I'll do when we stop completely.

Phil, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want to lose that even if it means we don't live together. Please, just stay in my life.

I'm crying again.

Love,  
Dan.


	9. Letter Nine.

February 28, 2015

Dear Phil,

I love you.

Love,  
Dan.


	10. Letter Ten.

March 4, 2015.

Dear Phil,

Today was bad. It was so bad, oh my god, Phil.

First, when I woke up, I had a massive headache from crying myself to sleep last night. I took some medicine before I did anything else and that helped that.

Then I looked at my phone and that's when I saw you had texted me. You had texted me, tell me to meet you at the Starbucks around the corner from my house. I didn't know what I expected. I thought maybe you were coming back, but how I was wrong.

You didn't look like you were doing too well. You looked so sad when I walked into that Starbucks. I had sat down in front of you, wanting to put my hand on yours, but I didn't. We had stayed so quiet for so long. It felt like it should've been years since we were sitting there. Time was going by suddenly so fast after we started talking, though. We were joking, only slightly. Bringing up old memories and everything.

And then it seemed like it just slowed down immediately when you said my name. You looked at me and I could see the sadness and regret in your eyes and I knew I wasn't about to like what I was going to hear. And I was right, I didn't.

You told me that we shouldn't talk anymore. That we should take some time apart for a while. You didn't specify how long, but I didn't want to know. My heart broke into so many pieces after the words left your mouth.

You said you were really sorry, that you hope we can be like we used to in the future, gave me one last hug, before walking out. I didn't miss the tears that fell from your eyes. I had collapsed to the ground after you left. Everyone was staring at me. I knew fans would be around, but I didn't care at that point. I wanted to go home.

I had picked myself up and I ignored everyone that I walked passed, trying so desperately to stop crying and wipe the tears away, but it wasn't working. I had ran into a group of fans and I felt so bad for telling them I couldn't take pictures, but I think they understood because I was a wreck. I still am a wreck.

And when I got home, I could barely even make it into the door before I collapsed again. It's only been an hour since I finally calmed down enough to call Pj. He's over now. He made me calm down, granted, it took him three hours, but he did it.

Today was bad. So bad, Phil.

I lost you. I lost you for good and I'm so sorry.

Love,  
Dan.


	11. Letter Eleven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> Mentions of self-harm!

March 10, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hi, Phil. I really hope that you're doing good. Fans have been asking me how you are and stuff and when we're going to do another video together. I'm really surprised that they haven't found out yet, honestly.

I haven't heard from you in six days now, but Louise tells me that you've been a wreck. She said that you have her over to see how I'm doing a lot. I've been told that you have got my letters in the past as well. I'm glad, I didn't think they were actually sending. At least you're reading them, or at least I hope you are.

How's Lexi? I really hope she's good. I feel almost really bad because I've never actually gotten to know her and she seems so sweet. I mean, she makes you happy from what I've seen, and that's something I can't do anymore, I guess, so I'm glad she can. One day, I really hope that I can actually get to know her.

Pj is over again. He's over a lot lately. Ever since that day, he's been staying around constantly and keeping me company. I'm grateful, but I also know that it's a little bit out of the fact that he doesn't want me to do something stupid. Which, I will admit, has happened a few times. He's caught me every time, also. Him or Chris has. Which then entails them to call Louise and it's just a really big mess after it happens because I'm crying and they're trying to comfort me and it's just a hassle. 

Like that most recent one that Chris caught was about three days ago and I was trying to find something to cut my arms with. I had it against my wrist, about to cut for the fourth time, when he walked into your old room and found me. I turned your room into a computer room for editing my videos and stuff when I actually make some. Peej and Louise helped me because they said it would be good for me to do something with it rather than keep it empty. 

I have some scabbed up lines on my arm, which are going to leave scars.

Anyway, I kind of feel like doing a video right now, so I'm going to make one before it goes away. Bye, Philly.

Love,  
Dan.


	12. Letter Twelve.

March 17, 2015

Dear Phil,

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

Everyone on twitter and on in the comments on my latest video have been saying it, so yeah. How are you doing, Phil? I really hope everything is good.

Me? Well, I'm honestly breaking down way worse than before except this time, I don't feel anything. I just have this kind of empty void inside of me right now and it's only getting worse each day I wake up and go to see if you're awake, but only walk into the new editing room. I still haven't got used to that, even though you would think I would have by now.

I saw that you introduced Lexi to the internet, finally. She's really cute, actually. She was all shy and embarrassed. I could see myself in her, honestly. That first video we did together, you know? I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but I was doing it for you because you were happy and excited and I wanted to be a part of that happiness even though you told me you were feeling that way because of me in general.

The way you look at her, it's cute. You look at her like she's your world. She might be, I wouldn't really know. Louise tells me that you look at her almost the same way you looked at me. That alone broke my heart. But Pj had asked her what she meant by almost and then she had explained that whenever you looked at me, you had this look of pure joy and love and happiness in your eyes. I remember that look. But when you look at her, she says you have this really sad look to your eyes that's repressed, so it's not as obvious, but it's still there.

That made me feel a little bit better. That sounds like a dick thing to say, but I'm not lying.

I'm really glad that you're happy with her, though. It tells me that you can move on, and even though I envy you for that, I'm glad you can.

Well, once again, Phil.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! :)

Love,  
Dan.


	13. Letter Thirteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> Mentions of Self-Harm!

March 28, 2015

Dear Phil,

I broke again today.

I was doing really well for the past few days, without any sign of a breakdown. Sure, I felt empty still, but I hadn't cried at all since the seventeenth. Today broke that scale and this time, I was alone. No one was here to help me.

This morning, I woke up, and for some reason, I forgot you moved out. I had gotten up, excited, because I had an idea for a video that I needed you to be in with me, and I immediately started yelling your name. When you didn't reply, I just figured you were still sleeping. That was until I opened the door to your room to find that you weren't here.

I'm so stupid, Phil. I could've called Pj. Or Chris. Or Louise. Someone. I could've called them, but instead, I walked into your old room and everything hit me so quick, I wasn't thinking nor was I able to breath. I did the first thing that came to mind and that was to call you.

When you answered, you sounded groggy. As if I had woken you up. And I thought it was going to be okay again, because you answered, but when I had said your name, you asked me who it was. That's when I had dropped my phone, a loud sob escaping my mouth.

I hurt myself more. There are bandages around my wrist now because of my non-thinking state. I didn't want to do it, it hurts, but it was almost as of instinct kicked in. I did it about ten times and they were pretty deep. My arms are going to be so scarred up, Phil.

You always told me how you loved my arms. You always mentioned how impossibly flawless they were. Not a scratch on them.

You would be disappointed to see them now.

I could've called Louise, to have her come over and stay with me, but I knew she would be with you today. She told me you and her we're going to film a video together today.

I'm sitting here alone in the dark of the living room, writing this now. It feels the most comfortable. Where I don't feel as pathetic because I'm blending in with the dark. I could just disappear right now if I truly wanted, you know? 

But I honestly don't think I want that. Not truly.

Which is a start to recovering, right?

Love,  
Dan.


	14. Letter Fourteen.

April 6, 2015

Dear Phil,

I think people are noticing, Phil. I think people are finally noticing the change in your house. The fact that I never mention you anymore. The lack of videos on our gaming channel. The lack of videos together.

People are noticing that I'm not okay. I made a mistake by posting a video without editing out the portion where my wrist was visible. They saw the scars. The scabs. The cuts. They all saw them and now everyone is worried.

Chris had called me almost immediately after he watched the video and asked me if I was okay. He saw. He saw that I had done more damage to my arm. I didn't lie to him. I told him no, but I would live.

Everyone is tweeting at me and texting me. It was really obvious, but I must have thought that it wouldn't be noticeable. That there would only be a few people who would notice. Not everyone who sees the video.

Troye messaged me on Twitter today. He asked me if I was okay. I lied to him and told him yes. That they were scars from my childhood. Because sometimes scars come up again really visible for some reason.

Everyone was seeing if I was okay.

Everyone except you.

And honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I do right now. I know everyone is freaking out, asking me if I'm okay. What has happened. Things like that, but the one person that it would actually matter that would ask, hasn't.

Lexi had texted me. She said she got my number from your phone a while ago just in case she needed it. We talked for a while.

She told me how you were. She said you were sad. That you missed me, but you were very good at covering it up. Especially in videos. You've always been good at that, though. Covering up what you're feeling.

She said that you have times during the day, mainly at night, where you just go quiet. You shut yourself down and you go take a shower. She says sometimes when she walks by, she'll hear something along the lines of crying, but she's learned not to intervene with it. She told me that sometimes, you'll cry after waking up. She said you have dreams about me.

I have those. She asked me if I had dreams about you and I told her I did. That's when I could tell she was smiling. She asked me to tell her my favorite one of us. I didn't know if I should tell her, but I did.

I told about the one dream I had, a week after you moved out. We were on a date and you looked so happy. You said you had something planned, and I was excited to know what it was. We had went to the movies, dinner, and we ended up at the Manchester Eye. And we were sitting there, in tuxedoes, as we got higher and higher off the ground. You took my hand and you started reaching into your pocket for something. I looked out at the horizon because it was lit up beautifully. I felt something cold slip onto my ring finger and I looked at you, the look in your eyes was pure love. You were about to talk and that's when it ended.

She asked me if she could come over.

I told her yes.

She's coming over tomorrow. She said she will tell you where she's going.

She told me she is here for me.

She knows. Everyone knows now. Everyone is caring.

Everyone except the one that truly matters.

Everyone except you.

Love,  
Dan.


	15. Letter Fifteen.

April 7, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hey, Phil. How are you? Lexi tells me you're okay. You're surviving. That's how I am too.

Today was an okay day. Lexi came over for the day. It was pretty fun. We talked about you a lot. It seemed like no matter what we did, one of us would accidentally say your name and then it'd turn into an hour long conversation.

For example, we went to Starbucks today. I told her to go pick a spot and that I would order and pay. So, I did. I ordered what she wanted and I ordered my usual. They were shocked to see me, actually.

They'd asked me how I had been and I didn't tell them much. I told them I was okay, which is more a lie than the truth.

When I turned to find when Lexi was, I saw she had picked the spot we always chose the few times we came here. That's when you were first brought up.

There were so many places where you were brought up. So many times where I ended up crying unintentionally in front of your girlfriend about you. How ironic.

She's here, actually. She's sitting on the other couch, just waiting. She told me she would give you this letter, so I decided I would write it.

Phil, I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I miss you so much.

I'm glad you got a girl like Lexi, though. She is so sweet and she's perfect for you.

I hope everything works out with you two. I really do.

I love you, Philly.

Love,  
Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. It is 12:32 AM right now and I just recently finished homework. That I started at 3:30 PM today. What the fucking hell.
> 
> I really need to stop procrastinating so much, omg.
> 
> Any tips?


	16. Letter Sixteen.

April 19, 2015

Dear Phil,

What the fuck?! Why did you do that?!

Why did you tell everyone our business? It's fucking personal, Phil. Our fans don't need to know everything that happens. They don't need to fucking worry about us more than they already do, but look what you've done. You've told everyone that we're not living together anymore and that we don't talk anymore.

Now all of the fans are bombarding me with questions, asking why. And they're bringing back that screenshot of the video with my arm in it. Asking if I actually did something to myself. Jesus fucking Christ. Phil, you really did it this time, you know?

I didn't want to worry them. I never want to worry them, and I thought you didn't either, so why did you tell them? Why did you make them worry?

Phil, I can't believe you. I'm fucking furious right now.

Yet, I can't hate you.

And I think that's what makes me most mad.

Sincerely,  
Dan.


	17. Letter Seventeen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!
> 
> Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts and Self-Harm!!!!!!!

June 1, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hello, Phil. How are you? I assume you're good. It's been a while since I wrote, hasn't it? Yeah, sorry about that. I've just kind of dropped off of the face of the earth, I guess. I had told the fans that I was taking a break for a month or two because I just couldn't focus on YouTube at the time. It's still hard, but I think I'm getting better because recently, I've been getting so many ideas for different YouTube videos and everything. I've filmed a few of them already, I just need to edit them and post them.

Lexi came over a lot. She said that half the time when she did it was because of you. You were worried I had done something like offed myself. Actually, a lot of people thought that. Louise checked on my every week. Pj seemed to be over at least every other day and if it wasn't him, it was Chris. Everyone was DMing me on Twitter and texting me, to make sure I was still alive. It kinda made everything better because I knew that people were worried. I'm not going to lie, I did have nights where I would just stare at a bottle of pills or the knives in the kitchen and think about how easy it would to just end it.

Actually, I got those almost every night. Sometimes, I kind of acted on them. Not to the point where I was literally trying to kill myself right them, but sometimes, I would grab the sharpest knife in the drawer and just stand over the sink and run it across my arm. Watching the blood just run out of the cuts was relaxing and satisfying. It made me know that I can feel things other than sadness. I have scars almost covering my right arm and a few strays on my left. The ones on my left are more jagged, though, considering I can't do like. Anything with my right hand when it comes to that kind of thing.

No one saw my arms. They never saw the bandages or anything. I always had a long sleeve shirt on whenever I knew someone might see. I got smart about it, per se. I knew you would've noticed, though. If you had ever seen me, you would've noticed the slight pump from the bandage through my sleeve. You would have sat me down and asked my why. And I would have told you that I was sad. That I always have been a little sad, but now no one is around to stop the sadness from seeping through. You were my road block, Phil. I will forever thank you for keeping all of that in long enough so I could understand that maybe life is worth living.

Listen, I should go now. I'll start writing again soon, okay? I just thought that maybe you needed an explanation because the last time Lexi came over, which was yesterday, and she said you were freaking out. Like breakdown freaking out over me. I didn't mean to make you freak out, Phil. I promise. I'm sorry that I made you freak out and that you had to cancel the date you had with Lexi. She said that she was worried too, though, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

I'm sorry again. Bye, Philly.

Love,  
Dan.


	18. Letter Eighteen.

June 11, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hello. So, today is my birthday. I'm sure you know that, though. Actually, I know you know that.

I wasn't planning on doing anything for it. It's not a big deal. Yeah, I turned 24, yay.

Everyone on Twitter and YouTube and Facebook have been telling me happy birthday all day. I'm really grateful, honestly. So many people out there are spending the thirty seconds, if that, out of their life to send me a happy birthday message.

That includes you, too.

To say I was shocked when I saw a missed voicemail from you would be an understatement. I was confused. I didn't know why you would ever send me a voicemail, and I honest to God thought that you didn't even have my number anymore. I was so sure you had deleted it.

But then I listened to it. I cried, Phil. I was smiling and crying all at the same time, which was ironic because I was smiling because you had actually left me a voicemail, but I was crying because I was aching to have you come home. I have listened to that voicemail so many times today.

You had sang me a happy birthday, just like you would if you were home. And then you started talking. You were talking about memories we had together one my previous birthdays. And you said how much you missed them. That's when I started crying because you know you could just so easily come home.

Phil, you can just walk to my front door and just walk in with boxes and I will be the first person to start helping because even though I seem to have gotten over you leaving a bit, I still want my best friend home.

The last thing you said. It's engraved into my brain. You were so quiet and I don't think you really thought I would hear it, but I did. The words are on reply and they're what stopped me from acting out on my thoughts tonight. I knew it would happen because the second I woke up this morning, I just knew. I always get this void feeling in my chest and those are the days I put another mark onto my arm, counting my days, or minutes sometimes, depending on how many I do, but those four little words are what filled that void in me.

"I love you, Dan."

Love,  
Dan.


	19. Letter Nineteen.

June 21, 2015

Dear Phil,

Today was an okay day.

Louise came over. She told me that she was over at yours a lot, so that sparked a conversation.

She told me that you were sad, but you were doing better now that you've gotten another letter from me. Again, I'm sorry for worrying you. I just needed time to myself for a while and so I took it.

I posted a video a few days ago, which really excited the fans. I got so many paragraphs on Tumblr and tweets about how everyone was so worried and everything. I felt really bad for worrying them, too.

Today, Peej and Chris are coming over and I'm actually kind of excited about that. We're just going to chill and play games like the old days, minus you. Which makes me a bit sad, but I'm getting over it slowly.

So yeah, today was okay. Probably the most okay I've been since you left.

Bye, Philly.

Love,  
Dan.


	20. Letter Twenty.

July 4, 2015

Dear Phil,

Happy America Day.

I can't write for long. I don't feel good and the world is kind of spinning right now.

I've called Pj and he's on his way, but I don't know how long I'm going to be awake anymore.

So this is getting sloppy right now and I'm sorry if you can't read it because it is going sideways and I better go.

Bye.

Love,  
Dan.


	21. Letter Twenty One.

August 1, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hi, Phil. I'm really sorry I haven't been writing. Then again, you probably know why. Pj said he kept you and Lexi updated on me, so why wouldn't you?

So, the whole not eating thing has gotten to me finally. On the fourth was when it started, but I kept passing out at random times and throwing up whenever I tried to eat. So they kept me in the hospital for about two weeks so I could get better.

I am so tired, oh my god.

Right now, I just want you to come home and lay with me in my bed and let me sleep cuddled into you, although I know it won't happen. Especially not now.

I miss when we were like that. Whenever one of us was sick, the other would cuddle them close to make them feel better. I miss that, Phil. No one is here to do that with me anymore and it makes me sad.

I posted a video today, though. That's always good. Except, I started crying in it because I got a text while filming. And honestly, I thought I was getting better, which I mean, I am. I'm accepting that you've moved on and everything and that I lost my best friend, but I guess I'm not as much as I thought I was.

So really, Phil. I just wanted to write this to you to say Congratulations.

Congrats on being an engaged man.

Love,  
Dan.


	22. Letter Twenty Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> Implied Suicide Attempt.

August 13, 2015

Dear Phil,

I'm so so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry it fucking hurts right now. I'm aching, Phil. I'm about to pass out and its taking everything in me to write this.

My hands are shaking so bad and there's blood on the page. It's drowning out the words.

Phil, I am so so so so sorry.

Please forgive me. Please tell me that you forgive my stupidity. I need that right now. I just need it right now. Everything is starting to go black.

It's three in the morning and Chris is on his way. I'm so fucked up. I was doing so much better but then the voices came back at such a strong volume, I wanted them to stop.

Please please please forgive me. I'm sorry for everything I've caused you. I don't know how long I can keep conscious. I hear the sirens coming closer.

I am so sorry.

Phil, I love y


	23. Letter Twenty Three.

August 24, 2015

Dear Phil,

Chris is living with me for the next month. Pj would, but he's been working on his whole Oscar's Hotel thing. Which I understand.

I don't want anyone living with me except you. It doesn't feel right.

He sleeps on the couch because he said there wasn't really a point in putting him a room in considering its not permanent. Only temporary so he can monitor how I am.

Currently, I'm not okay.

People online have been trying to ask what happened. I've made them so upset. They say they've been beyond worried and everything since they figured out I was taken to the hospital.

Lexi is over right now. She's talking with Chris in the living room. She won't bring you up around me right now, but I can hear them talking. I'm sitting in the hallway, listening.

She's telling him about how when you found out what I did, when you read the last letter, that you shut down. It was so sudden and she says that you just started screaming.

I'm sorry.

I really should stop causing you pain. I need to get out of your life completely.

But I can't bring myself to do it, yet. Not without killing myself.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to start crying again.

I'm going to go so I don't get the paper wet.

Love,  
Dan.


	24. Letter Twenty Four.

September 1, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hi, Phil.

How are you? I really hope you're doing better.

I'm doing better.

Not really, but I'm getting there! :) Chris is gone right now, meaning I'm home alone. I like the solitude.

I've been editing a video all day!

I was actually in your old room all day editing and I wasn't phased once by it! Can you believe that?

I haven't had any dreams or anything lately, either. Meaning, I'm done with all the dreams about us, finally!

Phil, your fiancé is probably one of the best people ever. She came over about a day ago and she just sat there while I cried.

I was crying over you, obviously, but she just let me. No one let's me cry anymore. They get mad at me or just snappy. Which, I understand, because its almost been a year, but sometimes I can't help it.

They don't know how fucked up I actually am. That's the thing. They think I was perfectly fine when you came into my life, but you know I wasn't. I was a wreck like I am now.

You know that. You saved me from getting to where I was trying to kill myself. And yet, you're the reason I'm to that point.

I'm not blaming, god, I'm not. I promise. This was completely my fault and I'm sorry.

But I just think it's ironic how you always told me to make sure I didn't rely on people. That I could get by on my own. But I didn't listen, because I relied on you. I relied on you for everything, it seemed.

And here I am now.

Sitting alone in the middle of the hallway in an empty house, fighting the urge to do add on to the white and pink lines covered my wrists.

Writing my ex best friend a letter because I'm a stupid fuck up and relied on him for everything.

How ironic, wouldn't you say?

Love,  
Dan.


	25. Letter Twenty Five.

September 12, 2015

Dear Phil,

I'm okay. I promise.

Love,  
Dan.


	26. Letter Twenty Six.

September 29, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hello, Phil.

So, I really hope you have been good because I have. I know I haven't written in a while, and that is because I was contemplating something. I finally came to my decision.

Through the past weeks, Louise had been talking to me. She was telling me that I needed to get out more and not stay cooped up in the apartment anymore because it's not helping me get better. Pj and Chris had taken me out a few nights back and honestly, it helped so much. I forgot about everything and it felt really nice just to be happy for the first time in a while. I haven't had any urges anymore either, which I think is great.

I have been debating whether or not to keep writing to you and I've decided that I was going to stop.

So, yeah. This is my last letter to you, Phil. I know you'll probably overthink this, like you always did when I didn't write, but then again, you had good reason to. But I assure you, darling, that I'm okay. I'm not going to do anything stupid anymore, okay? I've finally got to the point where I'm not relying on you anymore and I'm so much happier. Of course I still miss you. God, I do miss you a lot, Phil. I always will, but now I can live with the small hole in my chest that you left. It won't go away any time soon, if at all, but I can live with it being there. I've gotten used to it, per se.

I want to tell you that I am so happy and grateful that I had the pleasure to be your best friend. The day you replied to me on twitter for the first time, I couldn't believe it at all. I mean, it's not likely that fans get recognized by their favorite vloggers. The day you offered to Skype, I can't even tell you how nervous I really was. I ended up throwing up because of the nerves I was experiencing because I was about to Skype with THE AmazingPhil. My favorite vlogger! I was so scared I was going to say something stupid and make you reevaluate your decisions of ever talking to me.

The was you always told me that I was so cute and perfect, every single time I wanted to just lunge through the screen and kiss you. And when we were on the Manchester Eye, the first day we met, the way we kissed, it was fucking perfect, Phil. It's something I will always miss because I know I'll never ever feel like that again with someone. You made me fall in love with you within such a short amount of time and I really don't understand how you did that.

Phil, you're so perfect. In every fucking way. I'm telling you this now because I don't ever expect us to talk again after this and even if we did, I know it would be too late, so I'm saying everything I've bottled up for so many years now in this last letter to you.

Philip Michael Lester, you are my rock. You're my best friend. The only best friend I had, really. That was my first mistake, though. I let you in way too soon it seemed and I ended up falling for the boy who I never even thought would have even given me another look. You know everything about me, Phil, and honestly, I wouldn't want anyone else to other than you. You're so cute and perfect and hot and sometimes I literally don't understand how you can be all in one. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Philly. And for that, I thank you so fucking much. I miss you a shit ton, but I guarantee if we wouldn't have fought like we did, I would've never been able to tell you this all. I fucking love you, Philip Michael Lester. Not just as a best friend. I am in love with you. And I know its way too late to tell you that because you're engaged and we don't talk anymore, but now you finally know.

Thank you so much for everything you have ever done for me in the past years. From tweeting me to being there when I'm having my breakdowns to when I was insecure, to now. I know technically, you're not here anymore, but I still feel like if something extreme would happen, like me trying to kill myself, you'd still be there. I know this because even though I never really saw you, you worried about me. You made everyone see how I was and I don't think that will ever change.

I love you so much, Phil. Thank you for everything.

I hope that maybe, just maybe, one day we'll be able to talk again.

Well, farewell, my old friend.

Love,  
Daniel Howell.


	27. Twenty Seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this last chapter!

October 19, 2016.

Dan's POV.

"How are you doing?" Chris asked through the phone. His call had woken me up from an actually good sleep, which kind of irritated me, but I was glad because I probably would've stayed in bed all day.

"I'm good," I said, yawning and stretching. There was a little bit of silence before I heard a soft sigh.

"Do you realize the day it is?" He asked. I sat for a second before realization set in and a wave of sadness hit me. I slouched against my pillows and closed my eyes.

"I'll be okay," I said, mainly to myself.

It's been over a year since I've even heard from Phil. It's gotten easier to deal with, but I still have times where I get really sad.

No one brings him up that much anymore, just the occasional "Are you okay?" When I'm not really smiling that often. I appreciate it.

"You sure? Do you want Peej and me to come over? We aren't doing anything today," he said, concern lacing his voice. I smiled to myself, taking a deep breath and sitting up with when there was a knock at the door.

"No, I'll be okay, Chris. Thanks, though," I told him, throwing a shirt on. "But hey, the mail is here, so I'll talk to you later," I said, walking through the apartment.

"Alright, Dan, bye!" He said, hanging up. I walked to the door and opened it, smiling at the mailman.

"Good morning," he said. I nodded, yawning again as I grabbed the mail he was holding out.

"Good morning," I said, "have a nice day," I told him as he walked away. He smiled.

"You too," he said. I closed the door behind me and walked back up the steps before flipping through the bills in my hand. I was just about to set them on the table when one caught my eye. I stared at the name on the return address.

Phil Lester.

I dropped the other pieces of mail and quickly opened the envelope as quickly as I could without ripping it completely.

I stood in the hallway, heart racing as I started to read the familiar, yet so foreign, handwriting.

October 17, 2016.

Dear Dan,

Hey, Dan. It's been a long time, hasn't it? I haven't heard from you in what? Over a year now? Wow. That's a really long time.

I still consider you as my best friend. I never stopped. I don't know why I never came back, maybe it was just the stress that I was under, and then I found Lexi.

I miss you, Danny. I kind of really want my best friend back, and I'm really hoping this gets to you on the 19 because I'll be in town then. And I kind of need a place to stay as well.

You remember how I proposed to Lexi? Well, I couldn't go through with it. She understood that. She moved away and is now with this really sweet guy that actually deserves her.

I'm going to be in town, though, and if this gets to you on the 19 or the 20, I would really like to see you again. I figured I would go to the Starbucks down the street from your apartment at about noon on both of those days before I head back to my parents. 

I really want to see how you're doing. I miss you.

But its up to you. :)

Love,  
Phil.

I studied each word as I reread it over and over again. Excitement was boiling inside of me.

Phil was in town.

And he wants to see me.

And he misses me.

I looked at the clock in the kitchen and saw it was about ten thirty. I practically ran in to my room to get dressed. I quickly grabbed my black skinny jeans and a gray shirt and some new underwear before running to take a shower.

After my shower, I decided to call Pj and put him on speaker phone.

"Dan!" He said, through the phone. I haven't been able to talk to him in a few days, so it was probably a relief that I called him like this.

"Peej! Oh my god, you will never believe what just happened," I said, rushing back into the bathroom to straighten my hair.

"What just happened? And why do you sound so out of breath?" He asked.

"Because I'm rushing kind of to get ready and everything even though I really don't need to be. But I was going through the mail this morning and I received a letter. From Phil!" I said, turning on the straightener. There was a silence.

"You're kidding," he whispered.

"Not one bit. I'm meeting him today. Jesus, I'm so nervous," I said, straightening the wet curls. I could practically hear the smile in his voice.

"Don't be nervous, Dan! This is your best friend, you know? There's nothing to worry about. What time are you meeting up with him?" He asked.

"Noon," I said, groaning when a spot wouldn't straighten. This is why I hate my curly hair. It never cooperates no matter what I do.

"That's really cool. I'm actually surprised that he wrote you a letter after over a year," he said. I hummed in agreement. My nerves were slowly building up, but so was my excitement to finally be able to see my best friend for the first time in way over a year.

We talked for a little while longer until it hit about 11:30. I told him goodbye and that I would text him about it all when I could. I stood there in my room, looking at myself in the mirror, still kind of debating on if my outfit was good or not.

I had on my faded black skinny jeans, a gray shirt, and a black leather jacket over it. My hair, finally, straightened and was actually looking pretty good today. To be honest, I was kind of dreading going now. I haven't seen him in a year and I'm scared things are going to be really awkward between us. Pj kept saying that it would be just like old times, but I can't see it being like that. Not after everything that has happened.

"Oh shut up. You're overreacting," I told my reflection. "You can do this. All you have to do is walk down the Starbucks and sit down and talk. This should be exciting, not nerve wracking." Taking a deep breath and one last look at myself in the mirror, I decided to start walking.

\---

The whole way there, I was debating turning around and going back home.

What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if he thinks I'm ugly? What if he's changed and doesn't want me as his best friend anymore?

I opened the door to the Starbucks before I could talk myself out of it. It wasn't too crowded, but it wasn't empty either. People were laughing and smiling to each other, drinking or eating their coffee and deserts. Some people were working on their laptops alone at some of the tables.

I looked around, not seeing Phil anywhere and sighed a breath of relief. My stomach was twisting in knots at each anticipating moment that I didn't know where he was.

What if he decided not to come?

Just then, I caught a glance of the familiar raven black hair that I used to know so well. My heart stopped as I watched him looking out the window as he took a small sip of his drink. I swallowed thickly and forced my legs to start moving toward him.

He didn't seem to have changed at all. He was wearing a galaxy jacket and his OMFG t-shirt. His eyes were still as blue as ever as they turned and locked with mine. My steps faltered slightly when our eyes locked as I moved closer to the table. His face lit up as he recognized who I was and a smile began to slowly form on his face.

I sat down in front of him, my heart beating so fast. I remember feeling like this the day we first met in person. How my stomach was twisting in knots due to fear and excitement. How fast my heart was beating when I finally spotted him in the crowd. How everything seemed to just go away except for me and him the second he said...

"Hello, Dan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so so much for reading and giving feedback on this story! I'm still deciding whether or not to actually write a sequel to it. What do you guys think is best for this story? I would love some opinions!
> 
> Anyway, Thank you again for coming along this journey with me and Hopefully, there will be more fics to come! (: I love you all!


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